“Embracing this new life stage, I see menopause as an indicator of a new era about to emerge— and I rejoice in the wisdom I’ve acquired through the years.”
—from the Mayyim Hayyim immersion ceremony upon reaching menopause
I first trained as a volunteer mikvah guide in the fall of 2006. A twenty-something not-yet-mom with three years of mikvah use under my belt, I was drawn to Mayyim Hayyim for the way it turned a potentially alienating ritual into a positive and beautiful experience. In 2000, best-selling author Anita Diamant, the founding president of Mayyim Hayyim, outlined her vision for a community mikvah and education center that would “encourage the prayers of the heart in Jews of every denomination and description, respecting the choices and modesty of everyone who visits. A beautiful, welcoming and inviting place, from the minute you walk through the door.” When I became a volunteer, menopause was probably the furthest thing from my mind.
I was delving into the study of niddah (the practice of separating physically from one’s partner following menstruation, followed by immersing in the mikvah to mark coming back together again) with my twenty-five fellow mikvah guide trainees when I suddenly grasped the power of this organization’s impact. Some of the older women in the group were saying, “I feel sad that it never occurred to me to mark my menopause,” and, “I haven’t had my period for years; I missed out on all this.” My perception of the mikvah-observant world had been that menopause was something to be desired, not least because it meant no more mikvah. I remember thinking about the big picture of what Mayyim Hayyim was accomplishing and saying to myself, “What is happening here? How are they doing this?”
Anita remarked recently that Mayyim Hayyim was founded almost exclusively by post-menopausal women. Remarkably attuned to the human need for marking life’s transitions, these women naturally associated the idea of the mikvah with celebration, healing, and change. They set out to make the mikvah experience beautiful, meaningful, and accessible to the full diverse range of the Jewish people. They tried to anticipate every need and emotion that a visitor might bring. They created resources to help aid a person’s kavanah (intention), recognizing that just as the commanded reasons for immersion are about marking transitions (from not Jewish to Jewish, from single to married, from a time of physical separation to a time of intimacy), that mikvah could provide a Jewish response to marking other life transitions too.
Using Ritual to Heal
Cookie Rosenbaum, an Orthodox mikvah attendant at a Boston-area mikvah, was instrumental in developing Mayyim Hayyim’s policies and procedures, which work to integrate the “Seven Founding Principles” (see http:// www.mayyimhayyim.org/About/Seven-Principles) into the mikvah’s actions and decisions. Sometimes these principles seemingly come into conflict with one another. For example, Cookie helps ensure that we maintain our commitment to halakha, by teaching volunteer mikvah guides about the technicalities and nuances of niddah and mikvah, while also ensuring that we remain true to our value of ahavat Yisrael, honoring and cherishing the differences among the Jewish people, by providing space for Jews to practice the ritual of immersion according to their own interpretations and understanding.
Until she became involved with Mayyim Hayyim, Cookie had never considered immersing in the mikvah for any reason other than the completion of niddah. She had a rich experience in observing niddah and wasn’t looking for anything more. But as she brought other women to the mikvah, she was moved. Surprisingly, she began to see herself in their experiences and imagined what it could mean for her. “Observing the transformation that takes place—especially for conversion—I wasn’t expecting it to be a powerful experience for me as the witness,” Cookie said. “I started to realize it could be important for me too.”
Cookie reflected on her struggles with infertility, having experienced three miscarriages in one year after ten years of trying to get pregnant. “I was never able to do anything to mark my miscarriages. I went to the mikvah, but not with that intentionality,” she said. “I participated in a support group, worked with a psychologist to deal with the finite knowledge of my menopause.… It was helpful, but not holistic. I started saying Yizkor for my unborn babies—and still do to this day—and I discovered that it was helpful to use ritual, even if not prescribed, to heal.”
Only following Cookie’s involvement with Mayyim Hayyim did she become aware of the possibilities for using Jewish ritual to mark menopause—and she decided to immerse. She had gone through the different stages of menopause and knew that menstruation, and thus her ongoing battle with infertility, was indeed finished. “I could move on now, deal with the rest of my life, celebrate my adopted daughter … that was comforting, freeing. I wouldn’t say that it was magical, or that the sadness went away, but that wasn’t my goal. It helped me move on, in a Jewish context, through a ritual I was very familiar with.”
Although Cookie’s particular reasons for wanting to immerse were very personal, her experience can be instructive for anyone wishing to mark the onset of menopause. She reviewed Mayyim Hayyim’s immersion ceremony, “Upon Reaching Menopause,” and decided to incorporate elements from two ceremonies, “During a Time of Infertility” and “Toward Healing,” along with other resources she had found online. She invited her two sisters, her sister-in-law, and a few friends to join her. Cookie asked a volunteer mikvah guide to teach her guests a song while she prepared, and they sang it to her as she came out to immerse.
Cookie went into the water privately, then asked that the doors to the mikvah be opened a bit so that her guests could read excerpts of her ceremony. She immersed, crying, and turned to her loved ones for support. After this experience, even her more traditional sisters understood why she had made this decision.
For Cookie, it was important to have her closest community of women right there with her. Others prefer a more private experience, as they may have done for years with every other mikvah immersion.
Halakhic Dimensions
Interestingly, immersing to mark having reached menopause is halakhically required for some women, while not required for others. Cookie, who had observed niddah throughout her years of menstruation, had already visited the mikvah following her final flow of blood. This immersion, therefore, was entirely optional for her, although she did not see it as outside the Jewish legal framework. Cookie decided not to ask a rabbi whether she could immerse for this reason; she felt that she had the knowledge to make her own decision and had determined that it was important to handle this ritual differently from a commanded immersion. Cookie made a point of preparing differently than she always had—not cutting her nails as she had before, for instance. She did not say the usual berakhah, but chose a different Yehi ratzon kavanah instead.
“Noncommanded immersions, though stemming completely from the idea of traditional immersions, are often a foreign concept for the modern Orthodox community,” Cookie observed. “But I don’t see them as anti-halakhic.”
For those who have not observed niddah and did not specifically immerse to mark the ending of their niddah status, a menopause immersion is considered commanded, because it marks the point of their entry into a state of taharah (ritual purity, or ritual readiness).
Following her immersion, miriam rosenblum wrote in our guest book:
I appreciate the opportunity to mark my personal life transition of reaching menopause within a Jewish context. I first and last immersed in the mikvah before my marriage 32 years ago. Still happily married to my hatan (groom), I embrace my second immersion and this next period of my life. And the occasion is made even more special by sharing it with my daughter (age 24) and mother (age 81).
Miriam, like Cookie, was able to use the mikvah to mark her own transition into menopause, albeit under different circumstances. She chose to raise the consciousness and conversation around menopause with her closest female family members, each from a different generation. Her daughter Malka then wrote:
Being here today, witnessing my mom’s immersion with my grandma, has been a very special, moving experience, one I will carry with me for many years to come.
Changing Attitudes and Perceptions
People sometimes think such experiences can happen only in Boston. To the contrary, nearly 30 percent of our 1,400 immersions last year were from those who traveled to Mayyim Hayyim from outside Massachusetts. We are working to ensure that this experience is not limited to Boston, and we provide resources and consultation for other communities who wish to follow our lead. Our blog (www. mayyimhayyimblog.com) offers new stories and personal accounts, and serves as a model for changing attitudes and behaviors. (See, for example, a post by Rabbi Margaret Frisch Klein, titled “Hope, Renewal, and Promise,” on the topic of mikvah and menopause: http://mayyimhayyimblog. com/2011/12/05/hope-renewal-and-promise).
Fortunately, in part due to the work of organizations such as JOFA, the landscape of Jewish ritual and leadership is changing. Mayyim Hayyim is eager to serve as a partner in this work, and share what we have learned. For more information, go to www.mayyimhayyim.org.