A decade ago, when I formally began the process of joining the clergy of the Hebrew Institute of Riverdale, I could not imagine synagogue members turning to a woman to officiate at lifecycle events. I was convinced that congregants would gravitate toward custom and tradition during such life-altering moments, and that there would be no room for a female spiritual leader during these times. But I was proven wrong.
When I received a phone call saying that Lily Margules’s son had suddenly and tragically passed away, I dropped everything and ran to meet her at the hospital. Lily was a Holocaust survivor, a prolific speaker, and a personal friend. I arrived at the hospital moments before Lily, and when she saw me, she collapsed on my shoulder and cried, “My David … my David. …”
I began to make the necessary funeral arrangements. I called the funeral director, made sure the death certificate was duly signed, and did everything I could to limit the chance of an autopsy in order to preserve the dignity of the meit (deceased). Then, while comforting Lily, I waited for the chevrah kadishah (burial society) to pick up her son, organized the burial plot, and scheduled a time and place for the memorial service and burial. It was then time for the final, delicate step: securing a rabbi to officiate at the funeral.
The burial and funeral arrangements could have been done by anyone—a close family friend, a relative, any Jew willing and able to offer comfort and support to the family. Traditionally, and as a practical matter, only male rabbis are called on to officiate at funerals. In fact, some communities still heed the custom that women refrain from going to the cemetery and participating in the rituals of the funeral altogether. This custom has its roots in the Zohar. In a rather obscure statement, the Zohar implies that the Angel of Death can be found among women whom “he sees on the way to the cemetery and on the way back.”1 Rabbi Yosef Caro, relying on this statement from the Zohar in his Beit Yosef, rules that “women should be prevented from going to the cemetery, because if they go, they cause injury to the world.”2
Thus, the custom developed in certain communities that women should refrain entirely from participating in any of the rituals associated with burying the deceased, even a loved one. This minhag (custom) is adhered to in many communities in Israel, among Sephardi communities in America, and among the Breuer’s community here in New York. According to this minhag, women are not permitted to eulogize, accompany the deceased, or take part in the funeral proceedings at the cemetery. At the memorial service, separate seating is instituted.
Female spiritual leaders will model full participation in every aspect of the funeral process.
The Beit Yosef’s custom, however, appears to go against what seems to have been the common practice in the time of the Talmud. (Indeed, the Zohar itself appears to have been addressing or commenting on a common occurrence.) For example, the Yerushalmi, in Masechet Sanhedrin 2:3, and the Bavli, in Masechet Sanhedrin 20a, cite a discussion regarding whether a woman should walk in front of or behind a man in the funeral procession at the cemetery. The implication, of course, is that women were permitted to attend and participate in funerals.3
Women as Dirge-Singers and Eulogizers
In Jeremiah 9:16–19, the prophet, acting as a mouthpiece for God, states: “Summon the mekonenot (dirge-singers) and they will come.” Here, God actually commands women to take an important part in the funeral service, and to set the tone for the public mourning with their hymnal wailing. Indeed, according to Rabbi Yehuda, quoted in the Mishna (Ketubot 4:4): “Even the poorest man in Israel should not hire fewer than two flutes and one professional wailing woman [for a funeral].” The Gemara in Sanhedrin 47a goes so far as to say that one is permitted to delay the burial if the mekonenot have not yet arrived at the ceremony. The presence of mekonenot is required, not just recommended or preferred.
With regard to the concern of kol isha—hearing the voice of a female dirge-singer—Rabbi Yehiel Yaakov Weinberg (in Seridei Eish 2:8), based on the ruling of the Sedei Hemed (section kuf, kelal 42), ruled that listening to a woman sing funeral dirges is not a violation because no sexual pleasure can be derived from such songs. Therefore, not only can a woman’s spoken voice be heard as she delivers a hesped (eulogy), but it is also possible that she is permitted to recite the memorial prayer (Keil malei) without any kol isha concern.
Custom Today
Thus, we see that not only did women attend funerals, but they played a key role in the burial rituals as well. And in Modern Orthodox communities today, the minhag is that female mourners do, in fact, attend and participate in the funeral ceremony. Women walk with the aron (casket), and, if they are physically able, can act as pallbearers. Women can participate in the actual burial, including shoveling earth to help cover the deceased. Women can certainly deliver hespedim. As recently as this summer, in fact, the Israeli rabbinate ruled that women are permitted to deliver eulogies.
Significantly, in Israel, Religious Services Minister Yaakov Margi (Shas) has recently adopted Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi Yona Metzger’s ruling concluding that women must not be denied the opportunity to eulogize at a cemetery. “We’ve picked up the gauntlet and unequivocally announced that there will be no exclusion of women,” Margi told Ha’aretz, as reported by Yair Ettinger on January 5, 2012. Margi determined, “There is no halakhic barrier for a woman to give a eulogy, and in the exceptional case where the family might be upset by this, the matter should be brought to and resolved by the local rabbi.”
In truth, there are very few halakhic limitations to a female mourner’s full participation in the funeral ceremony, and by extension, there are few halakhic barriers to impede a woman from officiating at the memorial service and burial.
Why the Absence of Women at Funerals?
So why aren’t more women participating or officiating at funerals? I believe the answer can be summed up in one word: presence. As leaders, rabbis are present and available for community members during their most vulnerable and difficult moments. As an increasing number of women assume positions in the clergy and emerge as religious leaders for their communities, they too will be present and available to their congregants. Then we will begin to see women officiating at funerals on a regular basis. And, as a result, female spiritual leaders will model full participation in every aspect of the funeral process, thereby normalizing and encouraging female congregants to participate in the burial process of a loved one as well.
For myself, it is an honor and and a responsibility to be present for members of my shul during these moments. Although I have yet to be formally retained as a dirge singer, I have had the privilege of writing and delivering eulogies, escorting the aron while reciting the appropriate verses from Psalms, and then helping lower the aron, and covering it with earth. I have led the mourners through the burial kaddish and then escorted them through the shurah, two parallel lines. Participating on this level has given me an opportunity to learn about the people who I have come to love on a deeper level. And I hope, in turn, that I have brought a modicum of comfort to my congregants who have suffered a loss.
And so, when it was time to ask Lily who she would like to officiate at her son David’s funeral, I turned to her and told her that my male colleague was available to officiate, if she so desired. In response, she looked at me through tear-stained eyes and said, “Rabba Sara, I can’t imagine anyone else continuing to help me through this difficult moment.” And with a heavy heart, I did. And, unfortunately, among the funerals that I have officiated at since has been that of Lily’s husband, Edward. And just this past year, I buried my dear, dear friend, Lily Mazur Margules, Leah bat David v’Guta, zikhronah livrakhah, may her memory be blessed.
Alissa Thomas, Ramie Smith, and Victoria Sutton, Yeshivat Maharat students, contributed to this article.