My younger daughter celebrated her Bat Mitzvah a few months ago, three years after her older sister celebrated hers. Looking back now on the two celebrations, I realize that I expected a great deal of them. I felt very strongly that the events should mark a meaningful religious stage in my daughters’ lives: the beginning of their responsibilities as adult Jews. As I did not celebrate my Bat Mitzvah in any public way, I tried not to project my desires too strongly, in order to somehow compensate for what I had missed! I wanted their voices to be heard, and for them to remember their entry into the adult Jewish community with joy.

In preparation for their Bat Mitzvot, I spent a year engaged in serious learning with my daughters. The material we studied was completely separate from what the girls were studying in school. This would form the basis or springboard for their Divrei Torah. We enjoyed the flexibility inherent in the ritual; we not only chose the formats of the celebrations, but also the content of the learning.

My elder daughter Sarah decided to focus her learning on the “seven prophetesses.” We learned together, delving into Midrashic sources that were often confusing. Indeed, to learn that sources can contradict each other was already a very valuable lesson! We discussed the biblical characters, the idea of role models and heroism. For fun we explored the concept of “seven” in Judaism. We also learned Mishna Shabbat every week, and then focused on issues relating to types of jewelry that could be worn and carried on Shabbat. By studying the parsha of Ki Tezei, which is so full of mitzvot, we were able to spend time talking about the role of mitzvot in Judaism. It was a heavy and wide-ranging program of study and led to a wealth of interesting discussions.

My younger daughter Esther also learned throughout the year before her Bat Mitzvah, both with me and with a Rabbi in the community. Because her Bat Mitzvah was on 17 Tammuz, a traditional fast day, she studied Mishna Ta’anit and the halachot of fasting, and explored the role of discipline and asceticism in Judaism. It was very moving to hear her talk about the Beit Hamikdash as she stood on Har Tzion in Jerusalem. Because of her name, she also chose to study Megillat Esther and Mishna Megilla, and developed her own views of her biblical namesake. Our studies of parshat Ki Tavo led us to far reaching discussions of Divine providence in Jewish history in the light of our travels in Eastern Europe this past summer.

What really made the learning experience special was that it was personalized; the girls chose their topics for study based on their own names, Bat Mitzvah dates, and individual interests. Even our discussions of their parshiot revolved around the topics that spoke to them. For each I produced a book with their Divrei Torah, sources, and other related materials on which they and I had worked, a tangible reminder of this rite of passage. Through this learning experience the girls developed a feeling for the richness of Jewish tradition, and the importance of study and text within that tradition.

I was immensely proud to see how they could develop arguments, use sources, and then stand up and deliver a variety of Divrei Torah with confidence. Jewish women take on public roles in many aspects of their lives, and it was important to me that my daughters be able to do so on such special religious occasions. Indeed, what was most moving to me at Esther’s Bat Mitzvah was hearing her older sister direct her Dvar Torah to her, expressing with great warmth a feeling for Judaism from a fifteen year old vantage point.

One of my concerns was that my daughters experience the adoption of the adult responsibilities of Judaism as a blessing and not as a burden. When Sarah and I studied her parsha, laden with mitzvot, we spoke of how the commandments are God’s gift to us, and represent opportunities to draw closer to God. In a way, I saw the celebrations as an opportunity to introduce the girls to the tensions and balances of life. They were both celebrating newfound freedom, but also entering a life of structure and discipline. They were becoming individuals, but within a community. In particular, in becoming “modern” Jewish women, they received a strong message that this in no way negated the importance of the traditional virtues of tzniut and chesed, which are vital for all Jews today, male and female.

Shaping and crafting a Bat Mitzvah celebration is a public statement as well as a private one. It was important to me that this be a very serious milestone and that there be no element of “posturing.” Looking back, both celebrations were very special. With God’s help, both girls were beginning on their path to adult Jewish life. The myriad of celebrations with peers, family, and community were a spiritual experience for us as parents and for all who participated. More importantly, we hoped they marked for my daughters the beginning of a life of Torah and mitzvot, of learning and of observance, of commitment to Am Yisrael and Eretz Yisrael.