On June 18, 1994, Shabbat Parshat Chukat, my daughter Raquel celebrated her Bat Mitzvah at the Teaneck Women’s Tefillah, held at the home of friends. It was six years after her sister Daniele and seven years after her sister Micole had done likewise. Some things had changed and some had stayed the same. I believe that’s a hallmark of our tradition.

What made the service special was the opportunity for female family and friends to be actively involved in the proceedings; two of my friends acted as Gabbaiot, Micole led shacharit; I led mussaf, and the honors of opening and closing the aron were carried out by relatives, including sisters, aunts and cousins. Raquel, after being escorted to the Torah by her two grandmothers, layned, recited the haftarah and delivered a Dvar Torah.

Sounds like a Gilbert and Sullivan Operetta? Not quite. Surrounded by loving family and friends, Raquel marked the coming of religious age with a public achievement demonstrating ritual skills and textual dexterity toward which she had worked diligently for many months. The communal nature of Women’s Tefilla shaped this rite of passage as a shared religious event. We joyfully welcomed all our guests; those who embraced Women’s Tefilla, some for the first time, and others who attended only to honor Raquel.

In addition to the Women’s Tefilla service, there were two other critical pieces to Raquel’s preparation: a visit to a cemetery and a learning project. About three weeks before her Bat Mitzvah she and I visited the cemetery where her namesake, my husband’s maternal grandmother, is buried. I wanted Raquel to get a sense of her past as she embarked on this new stage of her life. Raquel found her grandmother’s headstone and excitedly read the inscription. We talked about Babee as I tried to teach Raquel to know from where she came and to where she is going. Standing in the Beit Olam, we were faced at once with the past and the future, with the self as the bridge between the two.

Finally, one of the most important things Raquel did for her Bat Mitzvah was to undertake the study of the mitzvah of tzedakah and to carry out a project based on her learning. We chose tzedakah because of its prime importance in Judaism, because of its communal nature, and because I wanted to teach her that no matter what choices she will have to make in juggling her roles as a woman, she must always plan time for tzedakah and gemilat chesed.

She and I began by reviewing the biblical sources of the mitzvah, and proceeded to examine its importance in the Mishna and Talmud. We then moved on to a study of the codification of the laws of tzedakah by Rambam, who delineates eight different levels of giving charity. Moving from the theoretical to the applied, we designed an experiment to examine the effects on the donor of giving at some of the levels delineated by Rambam. Raquel made tzedakah donations on four of the levels; where neither she nor the recipient knew the other’s identity (our Rabbi’s discretionary fund); where she knew the identity of the recipient but he was unaware of her (a sleeping homeless man); where both she and the recipient were aware of the other (a man who directly solicited alms); where she was helping the recipient to become self-sufficient (a contribution to Amit). In each instance she examined how she and the recipient felt about that act of charity, and in this way was able to connect learning with practice, and truly become a “Bat Mitzvah,” one who studies and observes the commandments.

I have a fourth daughter, Gabrielle, who will become a Bat Mitzvah, with God’s help, in three years. Assuming she wants to celebrate with a Women’s Tefilla, I expect there will be changes. My husband Joseph and I have been evaluating possible changes to stress the limud Torah aspect of the layning, such as reorienting the shulchan, reciting verses before and after the layning portions, and inserting small Divrei Torah throughout the layning. I have no illusions that we are redefining the model of how to celebrate a Bat Mitzvah. Halacha gives its adherents the leeway to be creative at times, albeit within limits, thus allowing us to fulfill our needs in various ways. In fact, I can’t wait to see what my daughters, God willing, will someday structure for their daughters. Though they may choose a different route I plan to respect and support them, and bathe in the nachat that their grandparents enjoyed at my daughter’s celebrations.