Every Shabbat morning, as I arrive in shul and take my usual seat toward the back of the women’s section, I notice that the front row is still empty. Soon Grandma Anita arrives, carrying a tote bag bulging at the sides, and takes her seat in the front row. Shortly thereafter, Grandma Harriet, Anita’s machateiniste (daughter-in-law’s mother), enters the sanctuary, also carrying a bulging tote. She sits next to Anita. Before long, the stars of the show make their appearance—all eyes turn to Karen, Harriet’s pretty, petite daughter, and her three beautifully dressed, adorable children.
Harriet and Anita move to the ends of the row—dividing the red Sea to make room for Karen and the grandchildren. The little ones are plied with lollipops, toys, books, and endless hugs and kisses. When the tote bags are emptied, and the children have had their fi ll of their grandmothers, they march themselves off to the men’s section, where they are eagerly enveloped by the loving arms of their grandfathers.
I look on with envy, fantasizing that these might be my children and grandchildren—if only they didn’t live an ocean away.
But such is not my reality, nor is it the reality of more than 40 million people living in the united States who came from places thousands of miles away or whose children have moved to other corners of the earth.
Our son Josh studied in Israel for two years following high school. He returned to the States to attend Princeton, and following graduation, he immediately left for Israel, where he met a lovely American woman who shared his commitment to aliyah. They were married in Israel and have four children between the ages of six and twenty, all sabras.
Even as I have struggled to maintain ties and to bridge the gap that the distance creates, I don’t feel hopeless or helpless. Long-distance relationships can be infused with intimacy, satisfaction, and respect, and we can find ways to sustain the solidarity and security of our families.
There are a number of salient issues that inform grandparenting in the twenty-fi rst century. Greater longevity has produced more frequent cases of two older generations in one family. The 65-year-old retiree is a generation apart from her 85-year-old parent, now a great-grandparent. many more now experience the privilege of grandparenting and great-grandparenting.
Senior citizens are generally healthier, wealthier, and better educated than in the past. It is not uncommon for grandparents to continue to be involved in their careers for a decade or more after the birth of their fi rst grandchild. Postponement of marriage and parenthood and the increased divorce rate is also having an impact on intergenerational relationships. Following a marital breakup, divorced children and their offspring may return to the parental nest for emotional support and caregiving.
There is greater geographic mobility, not only for young people, but for the elderly as well. maintaining family connections over a long distance presents special challenges in terms of staying connected between visits, as well as maximizing the use of time during visits.
Staying Connected Between Visits
To enable grandparents and grandchildren to stay connected between visits, it is helpful if the grandchildren’s parents actively participate. michal, my daughter-in-law, is vigilant about taking every opportunity to include grandparents in the daily lives of the children. The following are some simple yet successful strategies, as described by michal:
- On rainy days, we look through family photos of visits we had together and review some of the experiences we shared.
- If I’m preparing a recipe passed along by one of the grandparents, I discuss with the kids where and when they first ate the dish.
- When one of the children asks about my childhood, I suggest that we call Granny and ask her what she remembers.
- Each of the four grandparents has special interests and skills. The children might have a school project or hobby relating to one of them. When this is the case, I encourage the children to call or e-mail the relevant grandparent. For example, one of the boys became interested in horseback riding, so I suggested that he e-mail his grandfather, who was an equestrian. Papa George sent back a lovely slide show documenting his riding days.
- From time to time, I send an anecdotal update on each child, describing what he or she is doing in school and in extracurricular activities.
Another way to stay connected is to have regular and frequent communication between grandparent and grandchildren. For example, one grandfather told me that he calls or Skypes each of his grandchildren on their cellphones or computers once a week. “I want each of them to feel that this is an exclusive gesture just for them,” he admits. He usually starts out with something humorous and then asks about school and their social life. He is interested in the highs and lows of their everyday lives, so his other questions include, “What wonderful things happened this week?” and “What disappointing things happened this week?”
Pre-Planning for Visits with Grandchildren
Whether in your home or in theirs, a key to successful visits, especially if they are short, depends very much on pre-planning. Pearl, a grandmother who lives in Florida, talks about planning to visit her seven Israeli granddaughters, who range in age from four to twenty. The religious practices in their home do not permit the children to watch television or go to the movies or the mall.
“Given the many restrictions on activities, we decided that craft projects were the best solution. Before I leave the United States, I scour the craft shops for appropriate projects and purchase all the necessary supplies to complete them. Every day we work on another project, such as greeting cards, paper flowers, and face-painting. We rent an apartment in our children’s neighborhood during our visit so that we have our own space and can still be close to the family. Each afternoon after school we divide the children into two groups according to age, first the younger and then the older. The projects usually take an hour, following which we have a snack. We then take the younger group home, pick up the older children, and start all over again. As an added bonus, each of the children is invited to dinner at least once during our twoweek visit. The children love the time we spend together. We don’t see them for very long or very often, so we attempt to make it quality time.”
Grandchildren Visiting Alone
Today, it is not uncommon for children to travel the world alone. Major airlines offer services that allow children between ages five and seventeen to travel without a parent or a legal guardian. These children, known as unaccompanied minors, are ushered onto the aircraft, introduced to the flight attendants, chaperoned during connections, and turned over to the designated person upon arrival at their final destination.
Our three older grandchildren have been making these trips since the age of seven. As grandparents, we have found that visits from one or two of the grandchildren are a wonderful bonding experience. We get to know them, and they us, in a way that is not possible when their parents are present. When they come alone, we give them our full attention and are totally oriented to their needs and interests. This is also an opportunity for us to share our values and lifestyle. For the grandkids, this is a win/win situation. Traveling alone builds confidence, and becoming intimate with grandparents builds another layer of love and security in their lives.
About the Next Generation
The passage in Leviticus, “Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head and honor the face of the old man” (19:32), is a reminder that modes of behavior are passed from generation to generation. A child is guided into socially appropriate ways of thinking and behaving through the example set by parents. If the middle generation looks with respect on their aging parents, a model for positive behavior is set for the next generation.