Imagine walking into city hall to register for a marriage license and being asked when your last menstrual cycle was. As much as many olim embrace these “only in Israel” moments, this particular integration of religion and state is one that has traumatized the secular Israeli community for decades. The requirements to be married by specific state-appointed rabbis and to be trained in hilkhot niddah (laws of ritual impurity) by select rabbaniot (rebbetzins) were some of the most off-putting experiences nonreligious Israelis had to endure—until Tzohar began its premarital programming.
In 1996, recognizing the potential repair of ill feelings that it could accomplish for couples preparing for marriage, and as part of its mission to bridge the divide between religious and secular Israelis, Tzohar began the Jewish Marriage Project. Rather than running off to Cyprus to get married or resenting their ceremony, these secular couples were enabled by Tzohar to choose an officiating Orthodox rabbi who would be more in tune with their wishes for their wedding. Five years later, the need for improved hadrakhat kallot (preparation of brides) programs has been met by volunteer women who spend time with brides before their weddings, learning with them and preparing them to integrate Torah values and hilkhot niddah into their married Jewish lives. To date, more than 35,000 couples have been married by Tzohar rabbis; in 2011, 3,000 couples worked with Tzohar-trained madrikhot (instructors/counselors).
The experience that women have with Tzohar madrikhot is meaningful and personalized. The curriculum for training madrikhot is uniform, rigorous, and intense, but Naomi Ansbacher, director of the Tzohar Hadrakhat Kallot Program, notes that each meeting with a couple is entirely different and develops spontaneously, based on the couple’s interests and goals. “Our madrikhot are trained to listen well, ask the right questions, and empathize to ensure that the couples get the most out of their evening with the madrikhah, connecting them positively to Torah values and Jewish identity at this momentous point in their lives,” she says. “For so many couples, this is basically their only encounter to connect with dati [religious] people and to forge their own Jewish connection to their marriage. So we make sure that the experience is as deep and personal as possible.”
A bride who came to Tzohar recently described the effect the Tzohar volunteers had on her:
I come from a totally secular background, and I was afraid I’d have to learn things I did not like to hear or some religious coercion. The atmosphere was actually very pleasant and comfortable—almost a family atmosphere, like sitting in the living room of old friends, an open and accepting atmosphere. … I felt that the meeting encouraged us to think about issues that we hadn’t confronted, to embrace the fact that the relationship could not exist without mutual work and to look at the relationship in the context of Creation. …
Since I come from the secular world, it was important to me that my marriage was through Tzohar, which was open to the world of hilonim [secular Jews], and [they] held my hand at every step in an open and loving educational role.
The selection and training of Tzohar madrikhot is the key to the success of the program. Months are invested in planning courses and selecting the “right” women to serve as madrikhot. Most of the volunteers are professional women with families and communal obligations who nonetheless take on the additional responsibility to meet with at least two brides a month, opening up their homes and their hearts to hiloni couples. After the initial eighty-hour course, which spans six months, madrikhot also attend seminars and workshops to keep themselves refreshed and inspired to continue educating couples.
“They are my inspiration,” notes Ms. Ansbacher. “To make the experience relevant for the brides, we look for women who are bright, curious, and empathetic. They cannot simply relay information or teach—they need to be the type of person who connects easily and meaningfully to others and is truly open and nonjudgmental. They have three hours basically to affect the future relationship a couple will have with their Jewish identity, and somehow these wonderful women manage to do so, again and again.”
There are currently 400 trained madrikhot, ranging in age from 30 to 60. They are doctors, engineers, professors, lawyers, and therapists. They work in the secular world, and their “normalness” in the eyes of the secular couple is a very important factor in making the evening relevant to the couple. “Because we could theoretically meet in the professional workplace, what I say takes on an additional level of relevance to the bride,” notes madrikhah Hadassah Fortinsky. “We connect, not on a religious level, but because they see me as representing the tradition they are choosing to connect with at their wedding. I also get a lot in addition to giving—I care about the subject I am discussing and the person with whom I am discussing it.”
Rav David Stav, the chairman and cofounder of Tzohar, fondly recalls the evolution of the program. What began as a “Band-Aid” to repair some of the negative experiences has been transformed to a “game changer” in Jewish identity. “We began teaching hilkhot niddah in a nonauthoritarian way, and even that was a great improvement,” Rav Stav recalls. “We then added the dimension of what a Jewish marriage is and how Torah can help couples struggling with the concept of family in a postmodern, secular world. We now have grooms requesting to join in the discussion—not because they want to ensure that their brides aren’t being brainwashed by some religious figure, but because they too want to grow and develop as a couple through a positive Jewish lens. Can we accomplish all we need to in terms of strengthening Jewish identity in one meeting? No—but the positive experience opens the couple up to more positive Jewish relationships. Couples have admitted that when choosing between traditional or secular schools for their child, the positive hadrakhat kallot experience was a major force in their deliberation and decision.”
The growth of the Tzohar marriage program in general, and the popularity of the madrikhot, have made 2012 an intense year for Tzohar. Eighty-five additional madrikhot completed their training, and a new course is being scheduled. —“הזמן קצר והעבודה מרובה אך הפועלים ממש לא עצלים” “Time is short and the work is much, but the workers are definitely not lazy,” notes Ms. Ansbacher with pride.