Yocheved Debow does a yeoman’s job with a difficult, complicated, and complex topic: talking to your children about sex. Her book is thorough, straightforward, and practical. Unfortunately, it’s also humorless and xenophobic
There are issues any honest person would have to struggle with when writing a sex education book from an Orthodox perspective. There are conflicts among competing values of science, halakha, and practical reality. I feel saddened, though, that Debow feels the need to make those choices for all of us, rather than putting the issues out there and letting parents decide for themselves.
Debow makes the important point that communication between parents and children on the subject of sex is critical, that parents have to clarify their values in order to do so, and that these kinds of conversations are not “one-offs” but rather ongoing, evolving discussions. She does an amazing job of giving practical advice on how to have those conversations. Her example dialogues are real sounding and reasonable. These sections can be particularly helpful for parents struggling with how to talk to their kids.
The author also outlines what is appropriate to discuss with each age group. She provides both the factual information children need and the ethical and practical questions that preoccupy children at different ages. She rightly points out that under no circumstances should poor choices made by a child undermine the relationship with the parent or be used to undermine the child’s self-esteem.
Nevertheless, I wouldn’t recommend this book to members of the Modern Orthodox community, and here is why.
The entire tone of the book is “us,” the moral and ethical Orthodox Jews, against “them,” the amoral goyim who do not have sound values when it comes to sex. I hate that dichotomy. I don’t think Orthodox Judaism has a monopoly on good values when it comes to sex. As a professional in the field of human sexuality, I think some of our values are problematic. That doesn’t mean I don’t have to pay attention to halakha, but it does mean that I can appreciate other groups’ values, learn from them, and make decisions accordingly. (The irony is that, in fact, the best ideas and data in this book are taken from secular scientists, educators, and therapists.)
I also think that when the author struggles with a conflict between what science tells us is good for us and what halakha tells us to do, she assumes that halakha is always good and right, and she needs to concoct a justification to make it seem so.
One can see this most clearly when reading what she has to say about masturbation and shmirat negiah (physical contact outside of marriage). Psychologists cite many problems that can result from boys and girls being told not to masturbate, problems that may follow them throughout a sixtyyear sex life. Yet Debow solidly falls on the side of discouraging masturbation for both girls and boys and never acknowledges the downside. I would have less of a problem if she had said “masturbating is a problem halakhicly and that’s not necessarily a good thing, but halakha is halakha and we don’t pick and choose.” I might still disagree, but I would value her intellectual honesty. But she doesn’t. Instead, she waxes poetic about sex being the purview of the married couple, or some such pabulum.
One area in which she hits a better note is when dealing with homosexuality. She says honestly that trying to change a gay person to make the person straight is damaging, and we should show understanding of those who cannot live a heterosexual lifestyle.
Finally, why do Orthodox books about sex have to be so serious? It’s almost as if the authors were afraid that if they have any fun with the subject, people will think that they are not serious religious Jews—which just may be part of the problem. Jews need to lighten up when it comes to sex.
Bottom line, for a right-wing religious Jew, this book might work beautifully. For the Modern Orthodox crowd, go buy Justin Richardson and Mark Schuster’s Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know about Sex (but Were Afraid They’d Ask), and then, armed with all the necessary information, you can make your own decisions.