Michal Smart and Barbara Ashkenas have collected some fifty essays by articulate women of various Jewish denominations who tell poignant tales of relatives who died and their experiences in saying kaddish for them, what motivated their taking on the practice, and how they felt doing so. The women, on the whole, derived much that was positive from saying kaddish for eleven months, despite the fact that some of them received unfortunate responses from Orthodox men. The book also includes three short chapters by rabbis concerning the laws of mourning and of saying kaddish.
Many of the women writers felt that saying kaddish provided them with an opportunity to engage others in helping them heal. It also facilitated their creating new and lasting bonds of friendship in their communities. Some felt that the kaddish aided them in keeping their relatives alive by making a special “time together” with deceased dads, moms, or kids. Some accepted the mystical idea that saying kaddish helps elevate one’s relatives to a higher heavenly level.
The wife of a Conservative rabbi traveled long distances to say kaddish, while her husband, who usually attended the synagogue, stayed home to take care of the children. Several women received offers from male synagogue officials to say kaddish in their place, but they refused, saying this prayer was “the last thing I could do” for a beloved relative. One man was so inspired by seeing a woman saying kaddish that he brought his teenage daughter to meet her. Many women were initially the only females at services, but after a relatively short time, other women joined them. Quite a few women felt the presence of their departed loved ones as they said kaddish.
Some women wrestled with difficult questions: Should one say kaddish for a suicide? (She did.) Should one say kaddish for a hated parent? (She did—and the hate disappeared.) Tradition requires saying kaddish for parents for eleven months, but mandates only thirty days for nonparents. May a woman say kaddish for eleven months for her beloved son? (She did.) Should a mourner say kaddish praising God when she is angry at Him for taking her dad? (She said it, with interesting consequences.) What does one do when the men rush through the services? (Show them how to pray by example.)
Some women were hurt by the way Orthodox men treated them. A key element in saying kaddish is to have the congregation respond, “Amen” to the recitation, but many men refused to do so. They talked loudly when a woman said the prayer, to show their disapproval. They wouldn’t turn on the lights in the women’s section, and, in some Orthodox synagogues, even closed the women’s section during the week and forced the women to “sit outside in the hall.” Some synagogues didn’t allow a woman to say kaddish unless a man was also reciting it and could drown her out. When the quorum of men was just over ten, some men walked out before the woman could say kaddish, so that there would not be a minyan needed to say the prayer. Quite a few women resented that a thirteen-year-old boy would be counted in the minyan while the women who were involved in a good deed for the sake of a departed one were not counted.
This book is worth reading to learn about the difficult dramas the women experienced and for, perhaps, the impetus it will provide for men to change.