I have recently been thinking about the use of women’s names in Orthodox Judaism. It began last year when I made my annual call to one of our supporters to ask for a pledge for JOFA. As we spoke, she told me how she had taken on the commitment of saying kaddish after her mother died, and how upset she was that she was not allowed to put her grandmother’s name on her mother’s monument. This resulted in a whole discussion about the use of women’s names, which led us to the theme of this JOFA Journal.
Have you ever visited a cemetery and looked at the matzevot (monuments)? Do you wonder how it is that none of the people buried had mothers? I had an aunt whose gravestone is right behind those of my parents. She is identified as the wife of so and so and the daughter of her father. Yet only a few steps away her mother is buried. (My parents’ tombstones include the names of both their fathers and mothers.)
When I am at a brit, or a simhat bat, a bar mitzvah or even a regular Shabbat service where a man is called to the Torah with only his father’s name, I feel the exclusion of women. I remember years ago when one of my oldest friends called me from Israel to tell me her daughter was getting married. “And Carol,” she said, “my name is going to be in the ketuba.” How incredible it was to sit in Jerusalem and catch her eye as her name was read along with her husband’s. Yes, her daughter has a mother.
Another story: I took part in a tahara that was not in my own community. The haredi women who comprised the hevra kadisha would periodically say a prayer with the name of the deceased followed by her father’s name. I would then say her mother’s name. When we all parted company one of the women stayed behind to speak with me. “You know,” she said, “my son is studying in Israel and he called me the other day to ask my Hebrew name. He didn’t know it!” And then she kissed me and left.
There is so much to reflect on. Why are the imahot missing from our liturgy? And can we change what has been done for generations? Many synagogues now include the imahot in mi shaberakhs for the sick, and in the prayer for the soldiers of Israel. Can we look for ways to be even more inclusive? Can we include Miriam’s song after Moshe’s when we pray every morning?
Many times I have broached the subject and am told that it is not a halakhic prohibition, but… But what?
A generation is growing up not knowing their mothers’ names. Another generation is dying without leaving a record of who their mothers were.
When my youngest granddaughter was born, my children were going to end the ceremony with the recitation of shehehiyanu. They were told by the rabbi to say instead what is recited at a brit: the blessing hatov vehametiv. The birth of a baby girl, just like the birth of a baby boy, is good for us and for the whole community. If we truly believe that girls are blessings too, let us and let them reclaim their names.
As I write this, we are reading the book of Shemot— names. I believe that the Torah wants us to understand the importance of names in Jewish life. The Midrash teaches us that redemption from Egypt was the reward that the Children of Israel received for not forgetting their names. All of Israel—the women along with the men.
Let us, too, remember all the names and in so doing keep alive those who have come before us as well as those who will follow us into the future.